Will the Climber

Understanding why 'happy julie holly' has been awry- unabridged

If you're on FB, you may recall that last December we had a miscarriage early on (6.5 weeks). Most aren't aware that we had another miscarriage at the end of May (7.5 weeks along). Even fewer are aware that we're expecting again.

Miscarriage number one I accepted as a normal, commonly shared experience among women (which it is). Even my doctor was a bit thrown by my logical acceptance and stoicism.Round two was another story.

The second miscarriage, May 28th, sent me into a tailspin- to say the least. Did I question God and my faith? No, but my heart did ache and many Psalms where psalmists wailed and grieved before the LORD were the essence of my hearts agony. Initially I tried to be big and brave and live my normal life, but I just couldn't and I knew if I didn't embrace reality and mourn, cry and grieve life wouldn't be able to go forward rightly. I retreated. I cried. I isolated myself. I cried. I cried like the darkest time in my life.

Precious friends cared for me through prayer and bringing me things I love (cookies, candy, chips, smut, wine...). Treats may seem to trite, but it was such a bright spot in my darkness which was an odd realization for me. These were small gestures, but I didn't feel alone and finding a treat on my porch because I was too much a wreck to answer the door was like an envelope of love and care. Without the prayers of those who knew, I am certain Steve would have had to check me into a special place, but the caring gestures of friends were like the arms of God giving me a hug and comforting me (I realize that probably sounds really silly).

It seemed that the moment I told people we were pregnant, I miscarried which leads to some pretty nutty thoughts. "If I get pregnant again and tell the world and let my heart embrace this gladness, I will miscarry." In my mind, it was a simple cause and effect, though logically I understand this is not the case. Plus, it just felt like the little boy who called wolf- we're pregnant, we're not- we're pregnant- we're not- we're pregnant....Hence, an odd way of announcing 'we're pregnant'- yet again.

Nothing could prepare my psyche for this fourth pregnancy. The few who have known of this pregnancy have repeatedly heard me say, "the psychology behind this pregnancy is overwhelming". I was forewarned that it would be a 'pins and needles' experience, but nothing could ever prepare me, typically an optimist, for this. Because I was scared to tell anyone (understandably so) that we are pregnant, I continued to isolate myself (mostly because I have a big mouth that becomes out-of-control with the addition of pregnancy hormones). Add to that the reality that I've been in the early part of pregnancy three times in the past ten months, I haven't physically felt tip-top or had the energy to take much effort at things I'd normally do a hundred times over in a day. This was suppose to be a blissful season on my road bike...oh life, you have such plans unknown to me!

Now, there's no hiding the 'tell-tell baby bump', so to spare any awkward situations, it's official! We're currently eleven weeks five days along and an ultrasound last Friday revealed a so far healthy baby. If all continues to go well our family will expand by one this coming March. Will probably doesn't really understand, but he'll ask me to 'open' my shirt (lift it up) so he can see the baby. He kisses the baby and the past couple days has cuddled with it. It's really sweet and I think he's going to make an outstanding brother- like mine.

The medical 411 fueling this so-far successful pregnancy:

The practice I go to (Consultants in OB/GYN) is a group of skilled doctors and staff who have generous and empathic hearts. My doctor reassured me that within the practice they have been able to figure out all their cases, though there is one case they are still unraveling. This was encouraging and through simple blood work, they were able to find that I have a chromosome disorder (MTHFR) that doesn't present in every pregnancy, which explains why I was able to have a super healthy baby the first time round. There isn't an actual treatment that has undergone clinical trials, but success has been found when patients take a low-dose aspirin and a TON of folic acid (normal dose is about 800mcg, I take 4mg). Denver University (and I'm certain many others as it seems to be a trend) is currently completing tests on baby aspirin as it seems to be this 'miracle' cure for many fertility related issues.

Having gone though some heartache due to pregnancy failures, I have learned that people don't talk about this very openly. The friends I know who have experience this and were caring enough to share their experiences with me were some of the most encouraging conversations I had. I hope that through this post, that encouragement can be passed along in some way.

Stupid things I heard:
This is your bodies way of taking care of a larger problem. There was something wrong with the baby and that's why.......people, just don't ever say that to anyone. The head and heart are different. The head understands these logical scientific things- you don't need to remind the head. The heart that needs empathy, compassion and a safe place to cry and not be the cheeriest person. If you say anything at all, simply express genuinely your sadness for the loss.

My Personal Unsolicited Advice:
If you even remotely think you want kids, go for it! You don't know if you'll have obstacles to overcome or mountains to climb. You don't want to miss out on the most incredible ride of your life because you don't think you can afford it (you never will- you don't need to have college paid for before the kid is born) or you don't want to change your lifestyle, or whatever your excuse is. If you remain in one state of life because you enjoy it so much, you will never know other joys life has to offer.

Yes, I realize I have a myriad of run-on sentences and grammatical errors- I'm just too tired to polish this.

Will's First Pool Day!

Dunraven Hike

While on this hike, we experienced fantastic weather! Thunder and lightening with consistant light rain. It felt good to be back on the trail despite conditions. Will was protected as you can see, by a solid rain cover. He seemed to enjoy the adventure as much as we did between naps.
Aspen trees are such a delight! I love the vibrant green leaves when they flutter in the wind.

Will LOVES being in the carrier! It puts him at adult height level and I think he likes that!

Montery & Carmel Family Day

Hermit Crab- the real deal

Windsor was so thrilled to find a star fish!

There is a crab in this seagulls mouth

Papa and Windsor

Grammy and Will

Will's first time feeling sand!

He wiggled his feet in it.

Ocean water for the first time!

My mom made a fantastic picnic lunch for us!

Classic pic- my dad on the phone!

Papa with his girls!

Million dollar grandparents shot!

Windsor- being Windsor